


We Are Who We Are

by Diddle_Riddle



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: April Fool's Day Crack-Fest, Best Friends, Crack, Drabble Collection, F/F, Friendship, Gen, Humor, M/M, The Rogues Gallery, They are also children, They are the Dream Team, Who just wanna have fun, lots of humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:48:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23154325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diddle_Riddle/pseuds/Diddle_Riddle
Summary: The Rogues Gallery are powerful, badass supervillains respected in Gotham City and feared by everyone.Or... that's what they repeat to convince themselves this is indeed how they are seen.Because in truth, they are overdramatic friends for whom life is a playground, always having fun together like teenagers. Or children. Still, they wonder how they ended up declared Riddler's official babysitters...
Relationships: Edward Nygma & Everyone, Edward Nygma & Harleen Quinzel, Edward Nygma/Bruce Wayne, Everyone & Everyone, Harvey Dent & Selina Kyle, Joan Leland & Edward Nygma, Jonathan Crane & Edward Nygma & Jervis Tetch, Jonathan Crane & Pamela Isley, Jonathan Crane/Edward Nygma, Pamela Isley & Edward Nygma, Pamela Isley/Harleen Quinzel, Selina Kyle & Edward Nygma, Selina Kyle & Harleen Quinzel, Sort of (in Eddie's head at least), they are all friends - Relationship
Comments: 13
Kudos: 71





	We Are Who We Are

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from of Kesha's energetic and kinda hilarious song 'We R Who We R'. Because let's face it:  
> "Hot and dangerous,  
> If you're one of us then roll with us"  
> Plus:  
> "We're running this town just like a club"  
> And... basically the entire lyrics of this song fit SO WELL the Rogues Gallery being best buddies, so especially in a crack version.
> 
> Happy April Fool's Day! <3  
> Enjoy! :)

_Knock knock knock_ "Pammy!"

 _Knock knock_ _knock_ "Pammy!"

 _Knock knock knock_ "Pammy!"

Ivy opened her hideout's door and shot the child a murderous glare.

" _Why_ do you keep on knocking like that?!", she asked curtly. "I told you I find this new habit of yours weird, not funny and _silly_."

Eddie grinned smugly, then he dithered:

"Yes, but... that's your way to say you enjoy something!"

Pamela rolled her eyes.

"Plus it's my newest approach.", Ed enunciated seriously. "I add it to the long list of charming and peculiar characteristics of mine."

She shared her opinion via a dramatic facepalm.

" 'Charming' is not the word I would have chosen to refer to you."

Edward's smirked widened. He began knocking like this by accident, simply because he was bored and looked for a new way to attract attention on him. He only did so on Pamela's door so far; but as ever when he adopted an habit, there was the risk it slipped into a gesture he'll repeat more than necessary.

 _Especially_ if it bothered someone. After all, every means is good to piss Poison Ivy off. It's an activity (although risky) he will never grow tired of and found a great pleasure performing.

"What do you want?"

She forced herself not to comment further on the knocking phase, and was willing to get distracted with whatever else more interesting.

Or so she hoped. The kid better avoid wasting her time for nothing.

"I needed to ask you something very important."

"Go ahead...", she authorized while _disliking_ it already.

"Don't you just love me?"

This time Ivy resisted the impulse to grab him by the collar and strangle him.

"I don't. I hate you _so much_ , and right now even more than usual."

"Aww, Pam! I knew you had a soft spot for me!"

Thus, Edward kept the habit of knocking three times until it drifted into a complete obsessive-compulsive disorder.

What Pamela may or _may not_ liked. She got used to it.

______________

Harley and Ivy arrived for their double date, holding hands and wearing adorable matching tee-shirts. On Harl's could be read:

'If lost return to Red'

And on Pam's:

'I am Red and you'd better return her _safe_ '

"This is the cutest thing ever!", Edward exclaimed with enthusiasm. "We should totally do that too!"

As Ed boasted about the incoming prospect of having a green shirt with purple letters indicating 'If lost return to Jon', Jonathan delivered his point of view about this idea by a cynical:

"If we do, on my shirt you'll read: 'Keep him'. With an optional subtitle of: 'Please. I'll pay you'."

Pamela and Jonathan laughed together while an offended Ed objected to defend his bruised pride.

______________

The Bat looked down to him, the white eyes of his cowl narrowed and his expression frightening.

"I won't repeat it, Riddler.", he threatened, both gloved hands grabbing his collar tightly. "Tell me where you hid the sculpture."

Edward tried to look confident in spite of the other's menacing allure.

Don't be intimidated, Eddie., he comforted himself internally. Try to imagine him in his underwear.

This caused him to pause as his face flushed _red_ when he pictured the vigilante naked to the waist. As ever, the blush appeared awfully _visible_ on his milky, lightly freckled skin.

He couldn't help himself though, he _had_ to finish his reflection out loud:

"Oh no you're hot!"

What provoked Batman's deepest confusion.

______________

"Should we... get worried?", Pamela inquired upon discovering Riddler's newest center of interest.

"I don't know.", Jonathan answered. "The salesman forgot to give me an instruction manual when he handed him over to me."

"Riddler got _sold?_ ", Pam jested. "I hope you had him for nothing, given how much of an annoyance he is."

Jon sighed; Selina and Harley shared a questioning gaze at the disturbing conversation topic shared by the Spooky Duo. Yes, this is how Scarecrow and Ivy's odd but sincere friendship has been renamed by everyone in the Gallery.

______________

Every Rogues Gallery member LOVES Joan Leland, because she is the kindest and most friendly Arkham doctor ever. She _helps them_ , gets genuinely invested for them and they always share good moments in her company.

"No, Edward.", their dear Indian lady reassured a stressed Riddler during today's consultation in her office. "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone you take a treatment to cure acne. But you have nothing to be ashamed of, it's perfectly normal for someone your age to..."

"It's terrible!", he cried out. "Everyone calls me 'kiddo' out there, it's gonna be worse if my body behaves like a teenager's!"

Joan sighed.

"I told you.", she supported patiently. "We will treat this, plus your acne is truly _nothing_. Don't worry."

"And no one will know?"

"... That you are young? I think your friends were _aware of that_ already."

During the following two hours, she had to explain there was no problem, that his treatment won't take long and that anyway, it's not like this new issue would be responsible for Riddler to be considered a petulant child by everyone in town. This being _established for a while_.

______________

"Why do you say 'for the Devil's sake'?", Eddie queried at some point when in Pam's greenhouse.

"Why not?", she shrugged. "It's an expression like any other."

"Nope.", he shook his head no. "It's not an _existing_ expression, it's your self-made curse. So sure thing, it means something to you, and I'm curious to know what!"

"You are curious over this?"

"Yup!", he confirmed with pride. "I've been asking myself for a while, but Selina said I must stop bothering you and it makes you angry to get personal questions."

"... When are you _not_ bothering me?"

"Good question!"

This actually amused her. Spring arrived, the weather was warm, her next scheme will be flawless, Harley and her spent a perfect day out yesterday: Ivy was in a good mood.

"So.", the kid reiterated while they ate ice cream together. "Where does the Devil's sake come from?"

"... It's a ridiculous story."

He obviously wanted to get to the bottom of it nonetheless, so it's not like she had a choice in the matter.

"I haven't told anyone about it.", she hesitated.

"Awww, I will hear an original breaking new from Poison Ivy!", he rejoiced. "I _really_ am your favorite, am I not?"

"No, you are not.", she muttered. "You are a _pain_."

He grinned, apparently taking that for a compliment.

"You remember the... lovely nicknames people like Jon, Jervis, you and I got all over our childhood?", she began, since he won't let go until he obtained his explanation.

Eddie nodded, he even offered her a supportive gaze. Ivy must admit: this child is just adorable.

"Among those, I got 'weirdo', 'freak'... 'faggot'.", she pursued, a bit uncomfortable. "I didn't mind these. They were never pleasing of course, but _one_ stood up and bothered me more than the others. My parents started it when I was little, they called me 'Devil'. They used to say I was strange, scary. Evil. That I must be a demon or whatever else they believed in. I don't know how it spread, but people learned it: I spent years being called 'Devil', 'witch' or 'demon' by the other kids. From elementary to high school, these were my official nicknames. It seems insignificant now, but at the time it hurt me. I was impressionable when I was younger. So when I became... more like who I am now, I decided to _screw it_ as a form of self-revenge. They mocked me saying I am the Devil? They couldn't imagine how _right they were_. I started using the expression as an internal _joke_ , since in a way it translates by 'For my own sake'. It was unplanned, but I... eventually adopted it, by repeating it so often."

Whereas this was far from an anecdote Pamela considered relevant, somehow she felt light after she revealed it. Then she heard sniffing; she looked at him with disbelief.

"Are you honestly _crying?!_ "

"Pammy!", the boy whined miserably. "Everyone thinks you're a dangerous, blood-thirsty, sadistic killer with odd as Hell, chilling habits and critical antisocial behaviors, while when we get to know you in truth you're so nice and sometimes I feel so bad for you... Come in there for a hug!"

"Don't you... Get off of me!"

The boy didn't move, so she agreed, embarrassed:

"Okay... You know what, since there's no one else there, I guess I can... go for it. A little bit."

She patted him on the top of his ginger head.

"Good kid."

______________

The explosion blasted the area, what caused Riddler and Batman to make a... not very graceful landing: Ed ended up his back on the floor with the Bat flat on top of him.

Not gonna lie, for Eddie this meant his scheme went from 'a disaster' to 'a pleasurable experience'. He couldn't help, he smirked and addressed the vigilante a supposedly _seductive_ wink. Then he formulated his sincere opinion:

"This could have been a romantic position, but you are literally squashing my ribcage. Seriously, how much do you _weigh?!"_

______________

Catwoman and Two-Face entered their colleagues' hideout; the trio was out for now, they'll come back later today. Harvey and Lina needed blueprints the five of them elaborated together earlier, to effectuate a few modifications in the plans.

"Why are the Dork Squad hideouts always gloomy and grim even when they occupy it?", Selina asked, sardonic, as Two-Face and her they browsed in the office. 

Harvey considered the question. When he found a valid reason, he answered in a stoic voice:

"It's because they are geeks. Those people live in the dark."

______________

This summer struck Gotham City like a disaster. The town was _dying_ under such a burden: the heat wave is the most severe recorded over the past ten years.

The Rogues Gallery members currently at Arkham rolled up their uniforms' pant legs and sleeves as best as they could, and they limited their movements to avoid blacking out because of the extreme heat. They had no air conditioners in the cells: it became unbearable to breath between the concrete walls, so they spent most of their time in the spacious courtyard.

Although it was just as hot outside as inside, in the yard they breathed if not 'fresh', at least _not stinking_ air.

To try to help, someone (Riddler) submitted to a staff member (Joan Leland) that a swimming pool in the outside space would be _super welcomed_. The request had been logged, but the Arkham funds couldn't invest in a swimming pool... since they already lacked the money to buy air conditioners even in the _psychiatrists' offices_.

However, an adapted version of this suggestion seemed a fitting solution. Only two days later, the yard was invaded by a construction site. This provoked an entertaining distraction for the inmates. Some heavily criticized the disturbance (Riddler), some others dictated orders to the workers (mainly Riddler) and when the task was finished at last, some thanked them / flirted with them (definitely Riddler).

A few days after the beginning of the project, an imposing, functioning fountain embellished the outside space.

Once again, Joan got bone-crushing hugs from some to thank her; essentially Edward and Harley, but not only. Everybody loved her.

Except that naturally, only a day after the rogues enjoyed the new element _normally_ , by sitting on the edge and benefiting of the refresh provided, they turned it into a _playground_.

For once, it wasn't Ed and Harl who acted as kids, but... Waylon.

While they were together around the fountain, Killer Croc put his feet in the heavenly fresh water of the large pool.

And then... he immersed himself entirely. Before the guards saw it coming, the villains present began to throw water at each other inside the fountain. (As ever, Joker hadn't been invited: the clown died under the heat somewhere inside the asylum, none of the other rogues cared).

"This is so cool!", Jervis chanted happily while they had fun in the fountain as kindergarten kiddos would.

Edward added his touch to the activity when he sang the opening of F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

Jon and Pam shared a look, as to say 'the things we do for them...'. Soon all the rogues were playing like children in the fountain singing F.R.I.E.N.D.S.' theme song and enjoying themselves.

Turned out it had been a wonderful moment, and everyone's favorite Arkham memory, for rogues, guards and doctors alike.

______________

During an evening in the Iceberg Lounge, after a few drinks, Edward and Selina sat on a round table.

"You know who's looking fine tonight?", an inebriated Riddler pointed out. "Ra's al Ghul."

The immortal was sitting at the bar, alone, he watched ice cubes falling in his glass of strong alcohol. He seemed kinda pathetic, as if he had just been dumped. This was only an impression though; among other nicknames the rogues renamed Ra's 'that tall depressed immortal' because he always looks sad.

Catwoman stared at Ed in a confused manner. _Last time_ she let him drink. Even more since Jon and Pam were currently elaborating a teamed up scheme, so she will have to take care of him by herself after this.

"Eddie.", she tried. "You realize that you are talking about a dangerous douchebag who is an old creep, an assassin, a weirdo and about the _most_ unsavory person around?"

To what Edward shrugged and retorted:

"So what? He's a good kisser!"

______________

"Don't hit me!", Edward commanded in prevention when at the GCPD H.Q.

Then he thought of a convincing argument, and added:

"I'm pregnant."

Some policemen shared a suspicious glance, especially Bullock whom eyed him over.

"... I am not.", Ed rectified upon getting the dude _considered_ it. "I'm a _guy_. And I use condoms."

He turned to a truly amused James Gordon.

"I'm gonna stay stuck with this pregnancy, am I not? _Why_ did I say that?!"

"Why indeed?", the Commissioner laughed.

Next thing Batman bursted in:

"Gordon, I need to..."

"He is the father!", Edward claimed loudly for everyone to hear, while making sure to point at the vigilante not to leave any room for doubt.

The Bat never looked so confused, he addressed an interrogative glance to his cop friend.

"What is he talking about this time?"

"Believe me.", Jim assured, holding back another laughter. "You don't want to know."

Bruce didn't get why Bullock's gaze went from him to Riddler with narrowed eyes, and why the policeman ended up grumbling "I _knew it!_ " before he walked away.

______________

Harley Quinn discovered that Eddie writes and posts regularly, under an username, a 'Riddlebat fanfiction' as it is apparently called. When she fished said story on a website, she _immediately_ reported the information to Selina, because reading with a friend will be entertaining.

Therefore Catwoman invited Ed and Harl over to spend the evening making fun of him. What she hadn't planned nevertheless, is that Edward felt _proud_ they envisaged reading his self-proclaimed 'masterpiece', and he bragged about his 'incredible writer talents' a good thirty minutes. Until Harley cut his monologue to urgently ask Catwoman to start the story.

"Wow.", Selina commented after she read the first paragraphs out loud, perplexed. "Even in your fantasies, Batman hits you, defeats you and you get... beaten and hurt."

"Skip to chapter 5 if you prefer.", he indicated.

"Why, he doesn't treat you like dirt there anymore?"

"No no, he keeps doing that. I needed him to stay in-character.", Eddie justified while the older ones shared a mildly sorry glance. "But I start calling him daddy."

From kinda worried over his unhealthy crush on the Bat, the girls' interest bloomed again and Harley shouted:

"Hurry up I wanna see that!"

______________

While Mad Hatter's latest tea party started well, the afternoon evolved into an absolute _chaos_ after Oswald asked a fateful question.

The Penguin didn't anticipate this incoming disaster when he inquired:

"What is the best trimming with tea?"

Jervis appreciated the attention granted to his passion for this English drink, therefore he responded politely:

"It depends on the tea, my dear Caterpillar. Cakes of any type fit a tea moment, but you must adapt in accordance with the tea flavour, what quantity of sugar you put in your cup and if you add milk or not."

Oswald nodded, and was about to relaunch when Two-Face intervened:

"It's all the same.", Harvey mocked. "Besides, not only cakes fit tea."

"It's _not at all_ 'all the same'!", the short blond man denied harshly, then he readjusted his blue hat on his head. "But you are right, Knave of Hearts: pancakes and cereals also get along with tea for breakfast."

The Rogues Gallery members present, the 'cool kids' who spent all their time together: the Dork Squad, the Sirens plus Two-Face and Penguin, pondered over the issue.

"Once, I took lemon tea with a turkey sandwich.", Harvey shared the memory with them.

"I did worse.", Selina countered. "Mint tea with steak fries."

"Somehow, ice tea fits everything.", Pamela wondered. "So in a way... we can take tea at any moment of the day and with every meal."

The others approved.

"Usually though, we don't put milk and sugar in ice tea.", Edward deemed useful to specify.

Two-Face shrugged:

"I might have."

To what their eldest, Oswald, completed:

"I regularly put whiskey in my drinks, so it works with tea, ice tea... and any other."

The friends shared their culinary experiments without realizing Jervis' face turned into a more and more alarming shade of red. Until Mad Hatter exploded, stood up from his chair and screamed at his seven guests:

"You're all mad here! You dishonored tea! How could I have ever been friend with any of you?!"

The others protested: Jonathan teamed up with Jervis saying that indeed, they weren't _forced_ to ignite him like that, Harley tried to calm the situation by objecting they were just joking, Selina and Harvey affirmed they don't care if they hurt anyone's feelings, Oswald felt at a loss, Pamela yelled at everyone that they are such _children_ and she is so _done_ with them, and Edward argued over everything in the ambient confusion between two laughters because he was having _so much fun_.

They were sitting around a rectangular table full of pastries. So... they ended up _throwing_ the remaining cakes at each other's face.

The tea dispute turned into a proper war. Anyone else would deduce that the best trimming with tea is _silence_ to avoid this mayhem.

But the main Rogues Gallery members being good friends and overdramatic children, they considered this tea party a _normal interaction_ , and concluded they enjoyed a sympathetic afternoon together.

______________

Ed and Jon were having a tranquil evening in a shared hideout of theirs.

When Edward, gazing through the window darkened by the night, called:

"Come over there, I have something to show you!"

Jonathan raised an eyebrow, then reluctantly left the comfy couch to stand next to him.

All proud of himself, Edward pointed at the window and declared:

"I call it... my reflection. Impressive, isn't it?"

"... I can't believe you."

______________

"No, Eddie can't join tonight. He plays Pokémon with Anarky."

"Yu-Gi-Oh.", Pamela corrected Selina's intervention.

The five currently present rogues turned a questioning gaze to her.

"What?", she replied. "He warned us he has a 'geeks night in' with Lonnie Machin to play Duel Monsters."

Because the others kept staring at her, she clarified:

"Duel Monsters is the card game from Yu-Gi-Oh, you can't confuse it for Pokémon battles. Edward gets vexed when we take one for the other. It's just like when we say Star Trek in place of Star Wars and vice versa."

Catwoman, Penguin, Freeze, Clayface and Killer Croc shared a look.

"What is the difference between Star Trek and Star Wars?", Oswald asked.

"There is _no_ difference.", Ivy growled. "But it belongs to the nerdy stuff important to Ed and I am _sick_ of having to listen his complete speech explaining what elements and characters belong to what universe. It gets worse when he finishs the Star Trek part in _Klingon_. So I make an effort to remember some basic informations, not to make confusions. For the Devil's sake, we've all been raising him for years! Am I the _only person here_ who knows this boy?!"

"... I would rather say you are the only one who _listens to him_ even when he gets in full geek mode.", Victor suggested and the others approved this clever analysis.

Ivy didn't refrain the urge to bend her neck, put her forehead flat against the tabletop and scream out of frustration.

_______________

"I am not hanging out with you as long as you don't remove this.", Jonathan stated.

"Oh but you _are_ , because I have _no intention_ to change and I hate being late. You know what everyone says: the party can't start till Riddler walks in."

"Nobody says that."

Edward maturely stuck out his tongue at him and commented:

"People are just _jealous_."

"... Sure."

Jonathan couldn't come to terms with the fact he let Edward drag him to the Iceberg Lounge dressed like this.

Yet the redhead kept his customized shirt on during the entire evening, to make sure _everyone_ took a look at it. He even collected remarks over it. While most pointed out how 'adorable' it is, Pamela promised Jon:

"I will never let you forget about this."

"Believe me.", he complained. "Even if I wanted to, I _couldn't_ forget."

"Cheer up, Jonny.", she advised, sarcastic, while they watched Riddler and Harley Quinn singing 'We R Who We R' as a duo on the stage of the Lounge under everyone's applause. "The kid's cute."

"... He is.", he conceded with a soft smile.

On Eddie's light purple tee-shirt could be read in bright golden letters 'Proof that Jonathan Crane has a heart'.

______________

"Welcome!", Harley greeted wholeheartedly the new rogue in town, Kirk Langstrom.

Man-Bat asked if he could join them at their table in the Arkham cafeteria. Relieved to meet a positive reaction, the scientist sat at her left.

"I must say...", he began shyly. "It's a real honor to meet you, Harley Quinn and Riddler."

"Call me Harl.", she encouraged. "Everybody does. And this is Eddie. He is almost too gay to function."

The two friends shared a look.

"Told ya I would use that to introduce you some day!", Harleen chuckled, to what Edward laughed and played along:

"What's up, new mate?", he winked at a Kirk, whom... wasn't sure how to deal with his growing confusion.

______________

"Oh yes I wanna seeeeee!"

Joan advanced her phone on the desk.

"We don't know the baby's gender for now, but my husband and I began decorating the room."

The doctor Leland arrived at her third month, so she'll stay in Arkham for the incoming weeks before taking her maternity leave. Everyone had been so emotional when they realized! Now the rogues battled to be the child's godfather / godmother. As if Joan would choose among them...

But eh. It was funny. Edward and Harley found a compromise: one of their name will be given depending on the baby's sex. There again, Joan never agreed but she let them talk, she found it amusing.

Right now, Ed scrolled down the pictures. The room was pretty, furnished with a rich decoration.

"Aww, there's even a stuffed unicorn!", he noted, delighted. "It's so nice, I want a bedroom just like that!"

Joan smiled.

"I'm afraid it's... too much.", she admitted. "Even though Mike wanted it to be perfect, we should have waited to know the gender first."

"Not at all!", Eddie reassured while returning her phone. "I assure you, any child would love a bedroom like this!"

"So... the fact there's a pink wall, lace, rainbows and a unicorn doesn't seem too... exclusively feminine to you?"

"Of course not! Why would it?"

"... Because as for me, I begin to think this is where our daughter or our gay son will live."

______________

The Dork Squad shared an hideout over the past days, like they did from time to time. Mad Hatter enjoyed those moments with his favorite couple, albeit whenever he left, he... remembered he missed _calm_. Because nothing with Ed and Jon ever stayed 'calm'.

Like tonight: they ate pizza in the living room, they will watch Indiana Jones later this evening, for now they discussed the global warming. Edward made stupid remarks as how he: provokes a 'direct consequence on ecology', ever since Riddler appeared, he made the 'sexiest show' at each of his plans, and since he organizes these in live when he hacks the various city screens, this must have a 'massive impact on the environment'.

The situation was very common. Scarecrow sighed with despair when Ed finished to boast.

"That was _fascinating_ , Edward.", he jested.

"I know. I create this effect."

"... _What_ am I gonna do with you?!"

"You could marry me?", Eddie proposed with a fakely innocent expression.

Jonathan's whole face turned red. He stared at nothing, immobile as a statue until Jervis shouted:

"Dormouse! You broke March Hare!"

When Jon finally came back to reality, he threw his pizza slice at Edward's face under Jervis' laughter.

______________

"But... you can't do this!", Loeb protested. "You'd ruin my career if you showed those photos, my reputation will never survive..."

"Alright.", Edward conceded. "Looks like we have an agreement then."

"It's not an agreement!", the guy cried out. "It's blackmail!"

"We live in Gotham City, loser."

Loeb had no choice in the matter; still he asked, defeated:

"Why is this plan so complicated? Why so many... expensive devices, puzzles and games, instead of going straight to the objective?!"

"Because I am the Riddler, that's how I operate."

"But it's unnecessary!"

If he believed he could make Ed change his mind, the man had _no idea_ who he dealt with.

"You ruin me for nothing and I can't strike back!"

"Precisely.", he grinned smugly.

"Why?!"

"Just because I can, and because I'm having fun doing it."

______________

"Now, Carol.", Edward told the Star Sapphire in a party at the Iceberg Lounge, during which they got to know more about each other (he must say, he appreciated her company so far). "Are you _flirting_ with me?"

"What if I was?", the confident lady retorted and took another sip of her martini, making eye contact all the time, in a cliché yet gorgeous manner.

Eddie smiled. She is exactly the kind of person he easily befriends with; yet she missed an _obvious_ clue to apprehend their potential friendship.

"This is a mistake.", he opposed with delicacy.

"I am a bad person, mistakes are what I do."

Ed's smirk increased.

"Yup, you are definitely the type I get along with. Welcome to Gotham, I hope you'll enjoy your stay."

They shook their glasses in some complicit toast.

"But better you know it before I invite you to a girls night in with Harley and Lina. You and I, my dear, we hunt the same preys."

She arched an elegantly shaped eyebrow.

"What does that mean?"

Usually he spoke in riddles and mysteries to make people guess the truth. Sometimes though, acting _overdramatic_ by getting to the point fitted too.

Therefore he looked at Carol Ferris in the eyes and let out bluntly:

"It means I'm Edward freaking Nygma, the only straight I am is a straight up bitch."

______________

Having a new psychiatrist arriving at Arkham is at the same time exciting and worrying. Before doctor Leland, time in the asylum was not _easy_. She achieved the prowess to make the inmates _like_ their stays at the place.

Now she left for the incoming months. Although the villains were happy she'll have a baby, they were also in a hurry maternity leave finished: they want to see their psychiatrist again!

Thus, a new doctor arrived for the main Rogues Gallery. Today, Edward will make himself an opinion on the man.

He stared at him in the office after the guy finished his introduction. He seemed to be a hard-worker and he was in his mid-twenties.

"Alright.", Riddler concluded. "Welcome to the mad house. I wanna know a few things about you."

The man looked confused.

"... I am supposed to..."

"Be the one who asks the questions?", he proposed, before gesturing as to get rid of the idea. "All in good times. First you'll have to pass the test."

"The doctor Leland warned me about you.", he half-sighed. "She said you are even more talkative and childish than what the rumors pretend."

"She is right.", he winked.

Then he grabbed a pen from the desk and a sheet of paper before the dude could react.

"Don't worry.", he chuckled. "When Joker, Harley, Jonathan, Pamela, Selina, Harvey... in fact basically everyone except Music Meister, Kite Man and I, grab a pen, you must run for your life. But you won't catch _me_ escaping with that, I'll hurt myself before I can cause any damages."

He shook his head. Still, not having the reputation of a fighter meant he was allowed more liberties than the others. During hand-to-hand combats, his fellow friends / babysitters always kept an eye on him.

"So tell me, George.", Edward initiated in his 'I-imitate-a-doctor-leading-a-consultation' tone. "What pushed you into becoming a psychiatrist?"

"Well... I always wanted to do studies in medicine, and..."

"It runs deeper, doesn't it?", Ed interrupted. "It's from your childhood. What happened? Your parents wanted you to become a doctor against your will? Daddy didn't love you?"

"... In fact they preferred my brother.", the man confessed. "He became a lawyer, and _he_ is the family's greatest pride!"

They pursued their therapy session until Ed made the poor guy cry.

______________

This time Jonathan was 100% _done_ with Riddler screwing everything up and getting in troubles after he intentionally angered everyone.

Therefore, an evening when they were together in their hideout, he decided to perform a necessary lesson.

"Come in there.", he invited Edward to sit on the couch next to him.

A bit surprised by his serious intonation, the younger one joined without asking for a full presentation from the professor as for _why_ he must obey.

"I have a very important concept to teach you. It might save your life in the future."

"What is it?", Eddie asked, slightly worried.

"Listen. When you are about to do or say something, in _any_ situation, with _anyone_. I want you to take a minute first in order to ask yourself: would an _idiot_ do it? If the answer is yes, then _don't do it!_ "

______________

"You _need_ me?!", Edward understood, enchanted.

Batman and the Commissioner shared a glance, then the vigilante conceded awkwardly:

"We... could use your help on a tricky affair. I value your deduction skills, and I know you could..."

"I'm in!", he cut short the explanation. "Batman needs my superior intelligence to save him, he is so lost without me and he dreams of the day I'll team up with him because he is secretly in love with me! I don't require more, I agree!"

Bruce's cheeks flushed red, he wished he wore a mask that would cover his face entirely. As for him Gordon laughed, so the Bat corrected:

"This... is absolutely not what it looks like."

"Say what you want.", Edward smirked. "In the mean time since we're partners I wanna drive the Batmobile, so that I'll race across Gotham in the night with you by my side while I'll scream 'Just married!'. Sounds cool, doesn't it?"

______________

Selina arrived at Two-Face's hideout to pick up her purse she forgot here the other night. She hadn't bothered to call, it's not like her friend would refuse her a visit anyway.

Perhaps she should have warned however: she turned the key in the lock and entered in the apartment to be faced with... a memorable scene.

For whatever reason, Two-Face brought a bathtub in the center of the living room, he filled it with dollars and lied in it while he drank a cocktail, sunglasses on his nose. He didn't seem to mind Catwoman's intrusion, on the contrary he waved at her and invited:

"Lina! Wanna join?"

"Harvey... what on Earth are you doing?!"

"I'm living my best life."

______________

"Eddie, go to bed."

Sometimes the kid was cute when he was sleepy, at other moments he became _insufferable_. So... better be safe than sorry: Jon asked him to leave the office where he finalized his latest version of fear toxin.

"But Joooooon, I don't want to stay alone!"

The doctor smiled a bit.

"I promise, I won't be long. I just finish this."

"Jooooon, you know what?"

The boy visibly won't let him work; he put back his syringe on the desk and turned around to him, trying to brush his frustration aside.

"No Edward, I don't know.", he sighed. "Why won't you enlighten me and tell me what is it?"

The ginger grinned, but he remained in his 'cute kitten sleepy mood'; so he affirmed, joyous:

"I love you a lottle. It's like a little, except a lot!"

Sure thing, Jonathan abandoned his work after he heard this to cuddle with the boy instead. Adorableness got the best of him.

______________

"I wonder what you did before.", Edward bragged in his usual superior manner.

"My life was much _calmer_ without you and Harley in it.", Jonathan regretted with nostalgia. "I felt like an actual adult people respected, not a babysitter who drives you to parties with our _buddies_. Back at the days it was the old Gallery, we shared less _petty arguments_ and more _serious_ discussions."

"Like what?", Eddie scoffed. "Pam and you discussed 'how to look spooky in five steps'?"

" _Serious_ discussions, Edward.", he reminded, unimpressed.

Riddler pondered over it, his mocking grin not leaving.

"Again, like what?", he pushed forward. "I'm sure you had just as petty arguments except that none of those ever concerned romance or having fun, that was the only difference."

"Clearly not."

Jon thought of an example to attest his sayings. However the first scene what popped unto his mind of cautionary conversation he had with his old friend is that one time they were both in her greenhouse and Ivy asked him:

"Has anyone ever told you, at any point of your life, that they love you?"

"Does family count?"

"Yes."

"Then no."

And they had shared a nod of mutual understanding.

"We... only debated over science and how to defeat Batman.", Jonathan concluded at present time.

" _Sure_.", Ed kept on smirking, not bothering to hide the fact he _didn't believe that_.

______________

_Bonus:_

When she came back after the end of her maternity leave, Joan Leland realized she has _lots_ of work to do.

Thus she decided to start easy, she reunited the rogues currently present in the asylum to organize a group therapy in the common room. If she made them apologize to each other, this might appease the tensions.

They protested at first, then finally consented to the concept of the session: one after the other, they'll stand up and apologize to the person they most recently offended.

"Pamela, you take the first turn.", Joan invited.

Ivy grumbled that this is silly; then she stood up and turned to Two-Face:

"Harvey, I'm sorry I lied to you."

"Very good!", Joan complimented. "Go ahead, let's turn left to right!"

The rogues went on. It resulted in Harley standing up next and apologizing to Waylon:

"Sorry I tried to turn you into a purse."

Jervis to Oswald:

"I'm sorry I called you fat."

Jonathan to Victor Fries:

"Sorry I said you look like a frozen goldfish in a bowl with your costume."

Edward to everyone:

"I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me. But I can't help it that I'm smart, popular and handsome."

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Batman is Daddy (he's kinda hot)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24890578) by [thecryptictaxi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecryptictaxi/pseuds/thecryptictaxi)




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